I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to the idea of life breaking my heart.
When I was young (read: under 30), I had an optimistic habit of mind. Everything that happened would eventually finds its way into my being so that my essential optimism was not destroyed. It wasn’t really that difficult to, overall, maintain that upbeat outlook on life.
The next phase of life was very difficult, with many negative things happening to me. My world was rocked so hard that for long periods of time, my essential optimism took equally long vacations. Depression reared its ugly head and I fought hard to rise above it, to regain my balanced perspective. I was always successful and became a wiser person for it.
I am now in a phase wherein I can look back and say that life has broken my heart. Not just once but a few times. Today I am quite fragile, feeling how broken my heart really is. I am also angry about it. This time, however, I decide to sit with that anger and not try to stuff it down to a hiding place where it’ll corrode me from the inside. It sits on the surface, being watched by a higher self that observes objectively that I am in a state of anger, heartbreak, sadness, and some level of bewilderment. It’s OK because I will get over it. I will find the answers to the lessons I’m being taught. I will find the miracle behind the darkness I’m in. It’s just a matter of allowing Spirit to use time for my benefit. I need time to sit with this and let my mind get to the proper perspective. And then I’ll be optimistic and full of joy again.
I want to get to a state and habit of mind wherein life can no longer break my heart. I believe that is entirely possible. It will take active learning and openness to the hard lessons life brings me. I will continue being hurt until I have finally figured out how to look at things so that what was once negative is now just a covering for a miracle. I will see in the Light instead of the Darkness.